A Moment of Real

Phew....

This morning I woke up at 6:30am and no one else was up yet.  I thought I should really try to get more sleep as tomorrow is the first day of school for the year and Hubby starts his new job with a little bit of a commute.  We all can use sleep right?  Well, evidently my brain thought NOT!  So I rolled out of bed and put on some running clothes, grabbed some headphones and my shoes and went onto the front porch.  The underground sprinklers were on and I whined for a few minutes in my head about getting wet before I even started working out.  I put my shoes on and decided to skip through the gardens to miss the vast majority of the water.  I still got WET!..ugh  ok not so bad it was a little cool to keep me cool while running.

I figured I'd just do one mile then I could take a shower and say there I did it...right?  Nope I ran and got to the half mile and kept going figuring I'd just do two miles, but kept going then and the same at the 1.5 miles.  Well nearly 4 miles later I made it home, and in less than an hour and drenched in more sweat than those sprinklers had I just gone through on the sidewalk.

So where is the Real in this?  Well here is the real...I am not a small girl by any means.  I have been trying to lose weight for years, well I have been saying I have been trying. I work out at least 4 times a week, some weeks even 6 or 7 times.  I try to eat healthy, though somehow bad carby foods and chocolate keep finding their way into my mouth.  While running I fight the demons in my head that berate me for trying, telling me I am too slow, that the stitch in my side and the racing of my heart is me dying.  I fight those voices that have been placed in my head by so many others over the years that I am Fat, that I am worthless, that I will never be small or skinny, that I have a cute face.  I fight the fear of what I will look like smaller and the extra skin that I will have.  I fight the fear that I will no longer have breasts that hold themselves up to some extent as I lose fat.  I fight the skin on skin of my thighs and arms on my body.  I fight the pain in my ankles, the stress fractures in my feet, the twinges in my knees, and the inevitable knotted muscles in my back.

Here is another real...I can run, I can jump, I can swim, I can bike, I can push myself, I can accomplish more than I set out to do, I can fight those voices in my head, I can calm the anxiety that tears my stomach up, I can be better.

Here is my final real...You can do all these things too.  You can be the best you once you allow yourself to become the best you.  You need to control your thoughts.  You need to know that what you think of yourself is far more important than anyone else. Yes there are those that will smirk or outright laugh in your face for you trying.  Know this, they do it out of fear of not accomplishing something great in their lives.  Go get your life.  Make you the best.  These are the reals for today.

End of Summer Blahs and Teacher Ideas...

The end of May and the beginning of June were filled with so many exciting thoughts and hopes of what I could do with the kids ranging from flying kites, searching for sharks teeth in the river, and making popsicles.  We managed to accomplish a lot of fun things including the kite flying and making ice cream, but missed out on some many other things as the days can only hold so many opportunities.  School starts in a mere 10 days from today.  Backpacks are littering my table as are school supplies across every flat surface of the kitchen as we sort for five different schools and kids.

The kids are anxious about starting school again and the chance of a "mean" teacher.  They are all up in each other's faces and business and we are over the screaming and frustrating shrieking that happens every few mins.  We have normal family moments, though most are not privy to them...our little dark secret finally revealed.

So with these blahs of things not accomplished, adventures unhad, and fears about the future I was thinking about various ideas to get the school year started right.  My first thought is ideas as gifts for teachers to help them get through the next year:

Teacher Survival Kits:  A tupperware container filled with hand sanitizer, baby wipes, tylenol, small snacks and chocolate, band aids, and a starbucks gift card.

Bag of Bags:  If you have a sewing machine you could buy some fat quarters from the nearest superstore or the fabric store.  Just sew some quick bags for the teacher to use as baggie book bags, or to put materials for individual subjects into.

The Biohazard Bucket:  A bucket filled with nylon gloves (non latex), clorox wipes, pine sol, and antibacterial cleaner for that month when everyone in the class is sick and the desks and walls need washing down.

A Bag of Colors:  Get a cute gift bag and fill it with a multicolor package of Sharpies in various tip widths, dry erase markers, highlighters, crayons, markers and colored pencils.  Perhaps add a stack of post it notes or fun pads of paper to jot ideas down on.

The Walking Health Room:  Create a tupperware container filled with bandaids, kleenex, a roll of toilet paper, gloves, antibacterial wash, and notes to go home to the parents explaining about an injury.

Lunchsack Surprise:  Place various snacks within lunchsacks like a juice box, granola bar, protein bar, animal crackers, or goldfish for the teacher to hand out to the student that was unable to get breakfast or lunch.  

Craft Cart:  Make a small basket or box containing everything that would be necessary for arts and crafts: construction paper, water color paint, cups, markers, crayons, scissors, glue, pom poms, popsicle sticks, yarn, glitter, foam letters, stickers, fabric, maybe even needles and thread.

Small gifts like this are a sure way to start a teachers year with a little pep in their step and allow them to truly work with our children knowing that they have a few things already covered and in their back pocket.

Special needs parenting

I have been sitting and thinking a lot about this the past few months.  What it means to be a parent or caregiver to a special needs child.  I have my own, something I never in a million years would have thought that I would have to deal with.  Both my husband and I are well educated, live a fairly healthy lifestyle, I exercised while pregnant, didn’t take prescription medications while pregnant or nursing, took all the classes, and read all the books.  I had been a nanny for years before, had a teaching degree, and worked with hundreds if not thousands of children before having my first child.

So why should it have been surprising that I would have not just one autistic child, but two diagnosed and possibly another 3 that are undiagnosed?  Well because..that is why, just because.  I hadn’t seen it in my family, and at the time I didn’t see it in my husband’s either. My husband has ADD and dyslexia, which we knew of going into this.  I was pretty sure that I would see the dyslexia as it has been shown to move down gene lines, especially to males.  I have three boys and two girls.  One boy and one girl have dyslexia and ADHD along with their Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis.  The other three kiddos all shown Sensory Processing Issues and more tickmarks for the ASD as well, but they handle life and school so we feel it isn’t necessary to get that diagnosis on paper.  I don’t want the diagnosis to rule where they go in life.  I only wanted the diagnosis if it meant that it would finally open doors for the kids in terms of help for school, therapies, and answers to questions that float like the elephant in the room.

We had no issues with the pregnancies and ultrasounds showed no abnormalities that would point to a specific disorder.  When the first was born, I can remember hearing: he has fingers that will play the piano beautifully, he has the hands of a surgeon, he is trying to hold conversations already (at a few days old).  We walked into parenthood with beliefs that our children would sail through life, be good at everything that they tried.  They would be able to play sports, our house would be full of friends every day, horseplay that would result in multiple trips to the ER (because that is what boys do), and that school would be easy. 

Here was our reality, our firstborn had colic so bad he screamed non-stop for the first three months…I mean 24 hours a day of screaming.  Colic has since been linked to children on the ASD, along with other gastrointestinal disorders.  Our first had nearly 100 words at a year old, knew all his colors and shapes by two years old, could read simple books at age three…and then it stopped.  He began losing words to the point that we had to have speech tested. By five years old he couldn’t tell you letters or their sounds anymore.  He repeated kindergarten because he could no longer count or identify numbers.  By the time he was in first grade he was in intensive reading and writing therapy, learning his letters and sounds once again and how to hold a pencil correctly.  We had testing and more testing to figure out what was wrong.  He no longer looked people in the eye and conversations were strictly about trains or parts of machines.  The doctors in Wisconsin said they believed that he could be on the spectrum, but once he would be diagnosed insurance would no longer cover therapies, medications and more testing.  The same held true in Michigan.  Even seven years ago states were allowing insurance companies to be exclusive about what they would cover or not cover, autism was not something they had to cover yet.  We were lucky to have some really amazing teachers and aides in the schools we have attended over the years that allowed my oldest to grow in so many ways.  He was finally diagnosed officially at 13 years old with ASD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), ADHD, dyslexia, and dysgraphia.

You will hear when you have seen one child with autism, you have seen just that…one child with autism.  This held true for me.  I had taken a few classes in college on special needs. Autism was a short two month area out of all those classes.  I “knew” what to look for and “knew” what it looked right, because I was taught this is what it looks like, XYZ.  Anything outside of XYZ was something else and to move on in a different direction.  

As a parent of now three children after my daughter was born I thought I “knew” what I was dealing with, after all my son had a lot of the classic traits.  We went nearly eight years thinking that my daughter was bipolar, manic depressive.  Something that we would be dealing with later in life with medications and therapy.  The pediatricians all said there was nothing to do at the early age other than show her love, consistency and when the bottom fell out be there for her as a strong parent.  At the age of seven my daughter had something done to her that no parent or child should have to deal with, due to the PTSD involved with this situation she was put on her first antidepressant/ anti-anxiety meds.  Everything seemed to be getting better other than the night terrors. So we upped the dose and tried to move on.  We moved to Florida and found a pediatrician right away who took one look at my baby girl and said this is beyond what I can handle and sent us to an excellent psychologist and psychiatrist in the area.  It was with the very first appointment in the very first ten minutes we were asked, have you ever though that she may be autistic.  Absolute horror struck me harder than anything ever before; not because someone was suggesting that something was “wrong” with my daughter, but because when I truly stepped back and looked I saw everything that I missed…every trait, every quirk, everything.  Upon further testing it was resolved that she was not bipolar, but was autistic—just on a different part of the spectrum than her brother with her own unique issues to be addressed.

You are probably wondering how does she handle it all?  I have to tell you that I grieved for the perfect child, the easy going child, the star sports star, the kid that never would be.  I still have days that I have my own pity parties about how hard it is to do it all.  With that being said though, my kids all have such amazing talents, convictions about life, motivation, and enthusiasm.  They are the first to jump out and help someone in need, to see the other child on the playground that has no one to play with, and the first to offer some type of advice in how to accomplish something.  They don’t hold eye contact well, they can not follow a stream of conversation that doesn’t interest them for more than a couple of minutes, they have extreme sensory issues about food, clothing, noises and the textures of everyday items; including pencils and paper.  They are highly intelligent and are doing amazing in school in the subjects that they understand. My son is and high honor roll student every quarter and thinks anything less than 150% is failing.  My daughter shows extreme talent in art and fashion.  Both have friends and peers they care about.  I don’t have the daily running through the house, rough housing, and trips to the ER.  That is okay.  I have to praise and find blessings in what IS, instead of finding grief in what I thought would be.

Normalcy interrupted...

Things have been going well for us the past year, until a little hiccup last week Tuesday.  Last week Tuesday we found out that the contract that the hubby was working with had not been resigned by the company that he was working for.  The issue with it other than him not getting a paycheck (a really big issue), is that he should have been told two weeks earlier.  So here were are actually three weeks in total without a paycheck and lots of interviews going on.

We are not sure where we will be headed in the really near future and for the kids that means that there is a lot of uncertainty in a lot of their life. School is supposed to start on the 15th here.  They are all signed up to go.  We are hoping and praying that something comes up job wise soon so that they can stay here.  I have been doing side jobs like watching others kids, helping with autism groups, painting growth charts, and a variety of other things but haven't had a full time job in a number of years.  We had kids and decided that we would do what we had to do to raise the kids ourselves, even if that meant that one of us would be working.  With two kids on the Autism spectrum and another with health issues it was imminent that one of us was available for therapies, doctor appointments, tests, helping when a meltdown happened and the school needed help.  It means that one of us is available 24/7.  I have a degree in Elementary Ed.  and that means that it is a rather low  paycheck.  With the hubby working in the IT field with some fairly specialized centers it meant he would be the breadwinner.

Kiddo #1 is staying home this year to be homeschooled.  He will have a chance to take some high school credits and learn a few things the schools wouldn't be able to catch him up on or in other cases excel through.  He was on high honor roll all last year and did amazing with his sport he played last spring.

Kiddo #2 is still doing great in his Tech Magnet School and is excited to try his hand at illustrated and graphic arts this upcoming year.  He is highly involved in garden club at the school and origami.

Kiddo #3 will be attending a project based school for grades 6-12.  That means less transitioning later on in school and a chance to use her creative talents and abstract thinking to move through the rest of her schooling.  She is an amazing artist in Paint programs, we are hoping she will grow to higher levels as her confidence grows.

Kiddo #4 still amazes us with his math skills and how caring he is in general.  This upcoming year will be the first year of tests for the state and that is a bit scary.

Kiddo #5 is attending a Research Development School.  She is reading about a grade and a half above level, is wicked fast with certain math skills, and has amazing computer skills already.  I swear this girl is more like a 35 year old woman.

I'm still running and working out.  I've taken to cycling as much as I can and finding my way out and about in the gardens as frequently as I can.  Life isn't normal now, but I am really praying it goes back to normal again soon.

Normalcy..Is there such a thing???

It's been awhile since I've been able to sit and write on here.  Things are going great in Fl. A year ago we signed the papers on our home in Michigan to accept an offer on the house up there and it has been a whirlwind year since then.  Thank goodness that the kids are as flexible as they are, or else we would have some major issues.

We finally got the oldest monkey his diagnosis of ASD (autism spectrum disorder).  We have been trying to get that for over 12 years and by some miracle the first pediatrician that we walked into referred us to Univeristy of Florida to have him talk to a doctor there.  Within a 15 minute appoint of talking with the oldest monkey and myself and looking over all his records from schools and drs. past she said there is no doubt in my mind. Let's get him the help he needs now....So with this diagnosis he has been able to get the few accommodations at school that are necessary for him to do well.  I am very happy to say that he has been on the High Honor Roll all year and even has been awarded a camping trip and coming soon a waterpark trip in June down in Tampa.  (Can I be a chaperone please????) Just Kidding I don't want to embarrass the poor kid :P.  Another awesome thing is that Monkey has joined LaCrosse. He has played and plays well. The other night I had tears streaming down my face because he was "normal" to the kids on the field. No one saw his quirky sense of humor or social skills. He was one of the guys. He made an awesome play and was rewarded with High fives and chest bumps.  My lil man (5'10 and size 11 shoe at 13 years old) has found his niche and is looking forward to many more years of playing.

Number 2 monkey has been accepted to a Technology Academy for middle school. He tells me he is sooooooo bored with school and homework so I am really hoping that this pushes him forward and farther into his higher thinking. He will be leaving Middle School with up to 9 computer certifications and 3 credits for college. Right now he is thinking of going to school for Criminal Justice. He wants to be an officer and help others. Highly commendable and makes this mama proud.  He is loving archery yet, and is hoping to get in a few camps this summer for archery, rifle, and shotgun.  He too is a lil man standing at nearly 5'5" and size 10 shoe at 12 years old in about a month's time.  Friends, boys and girls alike, come knocking on my door for him to go on walks, ride bikes, or xbox comps.  I forsee a video monitoring system in the playroom before too long.

Number 3 monkey has had a year of growth and healing. She started 2014 with equestrian therapy to work through some issues due to a sexual assault a few years early by a babysitter.  It helped her learn that she can control situations, even large ones like a horse.  She also has began starting to trust boys and men, though she really keeps to herself a lot of days and doesn't like touch unless she initiates it.  :(  Sad mommy moment and one that I wish I could completely take away, but we are trying to find the learning points from it.  This past Fall, she too has been found to be on the ASD spectrum and has been receiving therapy to work through some of the learning disabilities that come with it.  We have learned what a wobble seat is, and that it is ok to sit on our knees and rock while working. We also have found that fidgets at a desk will be focused on more than anything else so a clear desk is a must.  #3 Monkey is an amazing artist. The pictures that have been coming out of her lately, I have considered putting together into a coffee table book so I can save them forever.  She draws tons of girl friends her way and is such a loving soul...

Monkey #4 is really a monkey....He flies through the yard, the house, under the bed, and in the trees. There is no keeping this one still. He has a mathematical mind, though he will tell you that it is not worth learning math because you will never use it...ahhh to be nearly 8 again and think the world gets paid with hugs and kisses and bowls of cereal.  This lil one's creative mind leads the younger three on many adventures outside and on MineCraft.  Tipping the scales at a full 48#s he is my armful that I hope doesn't grow too fast.

Monkey #5 is currently being treated for another bladder/kidney infection. Her hydronephrosis is still moderately sever in one kidney.  The other kidney is on the high side of normal.  We aren't talking transplants anymore, but are talking about function and flow often.  This past dr appt on Tuesday Monkey was able to talk about what she physically was feeling. A huge step in deciding what direction we are going to do next.  We will have an ultrasound scheduled in the near future to look at scarring and kidney growth to determine next medicines and future treatment. Amazingly Monkey is growing perfectly and has one of the most brilliant minds I have seen in a really long time. She will be attending an academy next year that allows her to work at whatever level she is at.  She will be mostly in a 1st and 2nd grade room, but will go to Kindergarten on occasion throughout the day so she can socialize with kids her age as well.

Normal..yep we are about as normal as you can get right now. In three weeks ask me if we are still there as we start summer break and have kids going in 15 directions again.

2015 miles for 2015

I signed up to run/walk/or hike 2015 miles this year.  So far I've been managing despite the hubby being away since January 4th for work.  I have 69 miles logged and hoping to add to that tonight. I have found a few ways to get 5 easy miles in.  The land here in Florida is fairly flat, but I have also found some challenging hills.  Every mile I have logged has been pushing a jogging stroller.  Either my little monkey or the lil one I watch daily goes with me. Tomorrow morning I just might have to attempt a double jogger.  My times are getting faster and my actual running distance is getting longer. Breath has come fairly easily too down here. I am used to frigid Michigan and Wisconsin winds entering and exiting my lungs and frying them...like completely frying them.

Another big portion of my year is going to be following a program called Trim Healthy Mama.  Pretty much this is a lifestyle change of eating, not just a diet. I can eat pretty much what I want as long as it doesn't have real processed sugar in it and wheat.  I keep fats and carbs in separate meals for the most part and eat protein at every meal and snack. It has a learning curve and you can make it more difficult that necessary, but to be honest it is really easy to do. There are things that you can buy to make it expensive or you can just eat recipes you usually do with little tweaks to it.  Honestly I find it fairly easy to use and even if you go off plan or "cheat" you get right back on in 3 hours when your blood sugar levels have been able to level out.  I have lost 30 #s in 6 months already and am looking forward to the number rising this year.  Below is an example of a pizza on plan.

A new year...2015

New Adventures....

It has been a really long time since I have blogged.  What has changed since the last time I posted? Well lets see...I am now living in Gainesville, Fl with my family of 5 kids and hubby.  We moved in July of last year.  The kids are in three different schools this year and it looks like next year it will be four.  Patrick has been officially diagnosed with Autism and ADHD so we are working daily on various therapy techniques and getting through a basic school day.  Sean is a high achiever that believes if it isn't an A then it isn't good enough. Veronica was also just diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, Nicholas can read and Charlotte can speak in 3 different languages.  Crazy life I live for sure.

Hubby is working for a new company and travels a lot. He is about to embark on a new endeavour on the other coast for the month of January starting this Sunday.  His crazy geek skills have come in super handy.

Me I'm trying to find my place in yet another place.  I have found some amazing outdoor places to walk and find peace in.  I am hoping to start some new adventures soon.  I am still painting growth charts as the orders come in, and I am pondering a new possible business on the forefront...more on that perhaps in a future post,  I have also signed up to walk/run 2,015 miles this year.  So far today I've done two...yep two.  In order for me to meet the 2,015 I will have to go on average 5.5 miles a day....got a little catching up to do already.

 My babies...well not babies anymore, but still.

Who let them grow? I know I didn't.

An awesome week, an awesome month...

I have so much to be thankful for, but there still is a small bit of me that just doesn't see fulfilled.  I am on the road to fulfillment to find what gives me joy and peace.  I've really come to find that my friends are an important part of my life.  I knew that 5 years ago when I was in Wisconsin doing it alone while the hubby was in Michigan starting a new life for us.  My friends were the ones that I vented to, asked for help, who came with coffee in the mornings that the baby didn't sleep, congratulated me on my littlest losses of weight.

I gave up talking to a lot of friends over the past 5 years and now I really am sad that I allowed that to happen.  I guess I hold resentment to the fact that I allowed myself to be fed guilt that I would not be showering my attention completely on my family.  My friends that I have talked with the past month have noticed a change in me, have noticed that I no longer and the bubbly person with a smile that comes naturally.  These same friends have helped with suggestions for my weight loss journey.  My whole new life as a fit and moving woman.

SOOOO onto the good news of the week. Last week I saw a loss of 4.1# and for the month of October I lost 12.1#s.  Yeah me...doing a little dance over there and patting myself on the back.  Don't mind me.

Ok so changes this month to diet were cutting out all refined carbs and processed foods.  Yep that included the Halloween candy that found itself into the house by my 5 little monsters.  I've eated  a lot of protein while still getting my veggies and greens in for the day.  Lots and lots and lots of water.  Oh and did I mention that there was no chocolate???

The other thing that I changed up was doing HIIT on the spin bike or tabatta training on the spin bike.  I logged over 300 miles on the spin bike in the month of October.  I have found a huge success with moving towards this type of training. I am hoping through the month of November to switch up my equipment.  I have been using so far this last week the treadmill for killer HIIT , the spin bike for moderately hard training and today the elliptical...much harder to do the training on.  Have been also incorporating strength training about 3 days a week.

So excited for the changes that future allows and the fact that the past can be moved on from.

What a week

It has been a really weird week that started last weekend with the hubby's Grandma falling really ill.  She evidently is doing better because my calls to the house and his texts there have not been answered.  So we have to assume that all is mending.  But last week Saturday I went out to mow the lawn and like most times I have a few minutes to myself I started to just let my thoughts flow.  Somehow my thoughts landed on why do I self destruct everything that I work so hard towards.  For instance my weight loss.  Why am I allowing my own thoughts and fears to determine how far I go and when I go?  I asked God why I do it...the answer I got back more than once was..."Embrace your knowledge, Embrace what you know. You know what you have to do. Just do it."  Ok I usually don't have God talking to me, much less when I have been mowing the lawn.  So I just let the idea stew in my head for the next hour while mowing the lawn.

I dreamt about it too as I slept that night. I saw the word and heard the word Embrace everywhere in my dreams.  The next morning I didn't even think about it and went to the gym and worked out. And I worked out again that night.  And I took a walk for over an hour.  I ate clean and continued to do so all week.  I think that is the nudge I needed.  And by embracing what did I get, a huge present on the scale this morning. I was down almost 4 lbs.  I didn't feel deprived once but felt full and satiated.  Amazing.  Truly amazing.

So what else happened this week. Well the normal going into the school to tutor, Patrick had survival swim, my gym time, Hubby working a lot of hours and being gone a few nights while he was in Chicago for a conference.  Oh and I had a horrible bout of vertigo that left me in the bathroom for 6 hrs throwing up every 15 mins. I had panic attacks, hot flashes, chills, and head spinning so fast I thought I was going to pitch forward onto the floor.  But as fast as it came on it has gotten better. I've had a few not so bad bouts of it this weekend but not nearly as bad as Thursday night was.

Friday was the Hubby and my anniversary for the day we met.15 years ago he came to Wisconsin from Michigan and we spent the weekend together. We went out to the mall for our date and Red Lobster to celebrate.  Saturday was full of yard work, a birthday party and building a Community Garden in our yard thanks to a grant from Thrivent Financial.

Today I had great plans, but managed to only get to church and clean the house a bit.  The kids and the hubby and I just kept busy with too many other things.

Ok well I am off to continue embracing what I know and hoping that this week leads to another great loss. :)

Love and Blessings to all.

Back into the game

Wow its been a long time since I have posted anything on here, and in fact I considered just taking this down.  But I started this for a reason and I just need to hold onto that.  Back in 2007 I started running to lose weight, take mommy time outs when I couldn't handle another screaming moment, and to just discover what I could actually do.  I have been told all my life that I was not an athlete. Not athletic   Was big boned and would never be small or skinny.  That I looked just like the other women in the family who were large framed.  In other words I was told that I was going the be large and I should just accept that fact.

Looking back on all those times in my life I have to say that I am really mad at all those that made me believe that I wasn't good enough to try and pursue being healthy and /or athletic.  It was family members, teachers, friends, classmates and finally it was me who held me back from obtaining a goal.  I started running and walking often to lose weight.  I never stuck with it though as I just never had the encouragement or even the know how to continue.  I can remember hurtful things being said and done in school from the time we moved into a new school district in Wisconsin in 6th grade.  We had large gym classes of 90 kids or more.  We had to make a huge chain in the gym and run.  We were supposed to jump over the kids...I can not tell you how many times classmates kicked me in the butt and kidneys or actually stepped on me just to prove their point that I was larger than them.  There was another group of boys that would constantly ask how much I weighed.  I also stated 80#s even though I was well over that already in 6th grade.  One of the boys would make loud statements about my weight.  I know I wasn't the only one picked on.  I can remember in 8th grade another girl being picked on and called a large piece of bubble gum because she wore sweatpants to school frequently.  During gym class I also wasn't allowed to run the mile, I was told to go out and start walking it with the other kids that had medical reasons to walk.  I wish the teachers had pushed more, I wish my peers had pushed a little more to keep me going. I wish that I had tried out for teams.

Anyways not that flow of thought is out there, here is the next.  Over the last year I have walked 60 miles in 3 days in the name of Komen's Cure.  I have run and walked many miles.  During the walk I ended up with bad stress fractures in my feet and ankles and shins.  I lost the entire front bottom of my feet to blisters and a few toenails.  I ended up sitting in bed and couches for 4 weeks because of the pain.  I thought for sure I would never end up back on my feet or in the gym again.  But then one day I said I can't sit here anymore and got up and walked 3 miles.  It took me forever,...I mean like 2 hours but I did it and every day since I have done some physical activity.  I have been going to the gym at least 3 days a week and spinning for between 30 mins and an hour.  This last week I just started adding strength training in.  This is my weakness. I can do cardio all day...strength training is boring to me and since I don't feel I really know what I am doing exactly I feel awkward doing it.

On my birthday I went to the dr and weighed in more than I ever wanted to be again and so once again I am working on losing the pounds.  The dr suggested using Weight Watchers and I signed up that night online.  I have lost and I have gained.  I am still trying to figure out what the perfect format is, but I am working on it and trying to not get discouraged.  I have set a long term goal of losing over 100 pounds, truth be told it is 102 lbs from where I was at on my birthday.  But I have been encouraged by friends to set the short term goals too, so I am putting out here that by Christmas I would like to lose another pants size and be back in weight to where I was in May.

 I am hoping by putting this down here where there are people to hold me accountable and give me that encouragement at random times that I will hold onto my goals and obtain them.  I hope to be able to be able to blog about life struggles, family struggles, eating struggles and my gym struggles on here and have an open discussion with those that can offer great conversation about it.  With much love and encouragement to those that are in this same fight and struggle with me.

3 day walk for a cure

This Aug 17-19 I will be walking in Michigan's Susan G. Komen's 3 Day Walk for a Cure, I need to raise $2300 by Aug 16th. I thought I would put my donation information here and then come back and update when I have a bit more time. Feel free to share the images.

Mommy time....

I just got back from a weekend in Florida all by myself. It was great. I went to Busch Gardens where an amazing friend made me get onto a roller coaster that freaked the bijibbies out of me. Shiekra included a 200 foot and 130 foot 90 degree drop that left me without even a scream at the end. I saw some awesome animals and beautiful scenery. I found that little bit of myself that I haven't seen since I was 18 on had last ridden a roller coaster. That concur your fears moment. It was great. The little girl we were with also took to the roller coasters with the no fear attitude.

The rest of the weekend was spent being a tourist in Tampa and just spending some great time with good friends and their family and friends. By the way the movie Contraband was really good too.

On Sunday night and Monday I got to just hang with my favorite sister, Dani. We had dinner on the beach and took in the sunset. Was nice to just breathe and talk. The time went too fast and the gorgeous weather will be very much missed. I can't wait for summer to come this way again.

I had flown AirTran and was given the chance to check in early. When I got the chance to checkin there was only one seat left in the coach area that was in the exit row. It cost me an additional $20 to book it. The other seats in business that were available for an additional $49. It drove me a bit crazy that I had to pay for the only seats available, but I really didn't want to take the chance on having to be on stand by or missing the flight entirely. The choice ended up being good as the flight had been overbooked by more than 10 people. My flight to Grand Rapids from Baltimore ended up only having 20 people on it so I had 3 seats to myself to stretch out in. Grand Rapids was foggy to the point that the pilot couldn't see the runway. We made 3 approaches and finally landed safe and sound.

I really needed the time to relax and just be me not mom or wife. I am finding that it is so easy to loose myself and needs in the house. As soon as I stepped into the car I was already figuring out what needed to be done, and was awake until 3 am thinking through things that I knew needed to be done yet.

It was a great vacation and my mind and body thank the hubby for the short time that I had to recuperate.

Little time for me

There has been very little time for me the past month. I had planned on going out every morning with Charlotte to walk or run but it has just been too cold to take her out there or it has been raining. My treadmill and the bike have also been broken and I can tell in my mood and peace of mind and body that it has affected me. I really want to join a gym and get back onto the machines and see a difference in me.

It is confusing to me to want to move and exercise because I never had that need in high school or college. It wasn't until I started drinking coffee regularly and was given the chance to try and find me. Nearly 3 1/2 years ago I began this journey and it has been put on hold way too long.

The kids are all doing great and hitting all expectations put before them. It is great to see their personalities coming out of them and their talents grow. Each is amazing.

Happy Easter to all and don't forget the reason we celebrate it.

Back on the run...this time for me

I am back on the run, literally and this time it is for me. I am hoping to lose 100 lbs by December of this year. The first few months were difficult. I tried to run and my ankle, foot and heel just wouldn't do it. I sprained my ankle fairly bad in November and had done something to my foot last May. Neither time did I go to the dr so I have just been letting it heal on its own. But something clicked just over a week ago for me. I ran without the ankle brace for the first time, and not only did I run...I ran a 5k on the treadmill. I did it in just over 41 mins...for me a personal best then.

The next day I got onto the treadmill again and again ran without the brace...this time I completed the 5k in 38 mins. I amazingly had shaved off 3 mins just with one run...It has been a great feeling. On top of the running I am trying to use the elliptical at least once a day.

And to top it all off, I have now lost 7 lbs...only 93 more to go! My motivation is me myself and I. I know that I can't rely on the rest of the world to pat me on the back everytime I accomplish something, because my goals are not those of a superhuman. They are as basic as running one mile in 12 mins, running a whole mile in 10 mins and feeling like I want to go on with more, losing at least 1 lb a week, buttoning my pants without a muffin top.

I am also using myfitnesspal.com on the computer and on my phone to keep track of my calories. What I have found is that a lot of days I am so far below my calorie needs that I have been sabotaging myself by not eating enough, but then other days just totally binging on all the high calorie junk food I could find. I was putting myself last knowing fully well enough that at the end of the day I was only hurting myself by not taking care of myself first.

I am using dailymile.com to track my fitness for the week. When I ride the bike my goal is to get a min. of 25 miles in a day, running to get at least 30 mins in of however long I do, and the elliptical tends to fall into 15 min increments. The calories burned seemed to be higher than on a lot of other sites, but as a tool to keep track of what and where I did the workout it is awesome.

Stay tuned for more results in the future weeks.

Pictures from last year

Various pictures from the last year that didn't really fit into any other category or blog that I wrote.