An awesome week, an awesome month...

I have so much to be thankful for, but there still is a small bit of me that just doesn't see fulfilled.  I am on the road to fulfillment to find what gives me joy and peace.  I've really come to find that my friends are an important part of my life.  I knew that 5 years ago when I was in Wisconsin doing it alone while the hubby was in Michigan starting a new life for us.  My friends were the ones that I vented to, asked for help, who came with coffee in the mornings that the baby didn't sleep, congratulated me on my littlest losses of weight.

I gave up talking to a lot of friends over the past 5 years and now I really am sad that I allowed that to happen.  I guess I hold resentment to the fact that I allowed myself to be fed guilt that I would not be showering my attention completely on my family.  My friends that I have talked with the past month have noticed a change in me, have noticed that I no longer and the bubbly person with a smile that comes naturally.  These same friends have helped with suggestions for my weight loss journey.  My whole new life as a fit and moving woman.

SOOOO onto the good news of the week. Last week I saw a loss of 4.1# and for the month of October I lost 12.1#s.  Yeah me...doing a little dance over there and patting myself on the back.  Don't mind me.

Ok so changes this month to diet were cutting out all refined carbs and processed foods.  Yep that included the Halloween candy that found itself into the house by my 5 little monsters.  I've eated  a lot of protein while still getting my veggies and greens in for the day.  Lots and lots and lots of water.  Oh and did I mention that there was no chocolate???

The other thing that I changed up was doing HIIT on the spin bike or tabatta training on the spin bike.  I logged over 300 miles on the spin bike in the month of October.  I have found a huge success with moving towards this type of training. I am hoping through the month of November to switch up my equipment.  I have been using so far this last week the treadmill for killer HIIT , the spin bike for moderately hard training and today the elliptical...much harder to do the training on.  Have been also incorporating strength training about 3 days a week.

So excited for the changes that future allows and the fact that the past can be moved on from.

What a week

It has been a really weird week that started last weekend with the hubby's Grandma falling really ill.  She evidently is doing better because my calls to the house and his texts there have not been answered.  So we have to assume that all is mending.  But last week Saturday I went out to mow the lawn and like most times I have a few minutes to myself I started to just let my thoughts flow.  Somehow my thoughts landed on why do I self destruct everything that I work so hard towards.  For instance my weight loss.  Why am I allowing my own thoughts and fears to determine how far I go and when I go?  I asked God why I do it...the answer I got back more than once was..."Embrace your knowledge, Embrace what you know. You know what you have to do. Just do it."  Ok I usually don't have God talking to me, much less when I have been mowing the lawn.  So I just let the idea stew in my head for the next hour while mowing the lawn.

I dreamt about it too as I slept that night. I saw the word and heard the word Embrace everywhere in my dreams.  The next morning I didn't even think about it and went to the gym and worked out. And I worked out again that night.  And I took a walk for over an hour.  I ate clean and continued to do so all week.  I think that is the nudge I needed.  And by embracing what did I get, a huge present on the scale this morning. I was down almost 4 lbs.  I didn't feel deprived once but felt full and satiated.  Amazing.  Truly amazing.

So what else happened this week. Well the normal going into the school to tutor, Patrick had survival swim, my gym time, Hubby working a lot of hours and being gone a few nights while he was in Chicago for a conference.  Oh and I had a horrible bout of vertigo that left me in the bathroom for 6 hrs throwing up every 15 mins. I had panic attacks, hot flashes, chills, and head spinning so fast I thought I was going to pitch forward onto the floor.  But as fast as it came on it has gotten better. I've had a few not so bad bouts of it this weekend but not nearly as bad as Thursday night was.

Friday was the Hubby and my anniversary for the day we met.15 years ago he came to Wisconsin from Michigan and we spent the weekend together. We went out to the mall for our date and Red Lobster to celebrate.  Saturday was full of yard work, a birthday party and building a Community Garden in our yard thanks to a grant from Thrivent Financial.

Today I had great plans, but managed to only get to church and clean the house a bit.  The kids and the hubby and I just kept busy with too many other things.

Ok well I am off to continue embracing what I know and hoping that this week leads to another great loss. :)

Love and Blessings to all.

Back into the game

Wow its been a long time since I have posted anything on here, and in fact I considered just taking this down.  But I started this for a reason and I just need to hold onto that.  Back in 2007 I started running to lose weight, take mommy time outs when I couldn't handle another screaming moment, and to just discover what I could actually do.  I have been told all my life that I was not an athlete. Not athletic   Was big boned and would never be small or skinny.  That I looked just like the other women in the family who were large framed.  In other words I was told that I was going the be large and I should just accept that fact.

Looking back on all those times in my life I have to say that I am really mad at all those that made me believe that I wasn't good enough to try and pursue being healthy and /or athletic.  It was family members, teachers, friends, classmates and finally it was me who held me back from obtaining a goal.  I started running and walking often to lose weight.  I never stuck with it though as I just never had the encouragement or even the know how to continue.  I can remember hurtful things being said and done in school from the time we moved into a new school district in Wisconsin in 6th grade.  We had large gym classes of 90 kids or more.  We had to make a huge chain in the gym and run.  We were supposed to jump over the kids...I can not tell you how many times classmates kicked me in the butt and kidneys or actually stepped on me just to prove their point that I was larger than them.  There was another group of boys that would constantly ask how much I weighed.  I also stated 80#s even though I was well over that already in 6th grade.  One of the boys would make loud statements about my weight.  I know I wasn't the only one picked on.  I can remember in 8th grade another girl being picked on and called a large piece of bubble gum because she wore sweatpants to school frequently.  During gym class I also wasn't allowed to run the mile, I was told to go out and start walking it with the other kids that had medical reasons to walk.  I wish the teachers had pushed more, I wish my peers had pushed a little more to keep me going. I wish that I had tried out for teams.

Anyways not that flow of thought is out there, here is the next.  Over the last year I have walked 60 miles in 3 days in the name of Komen's Cure.  I have run and walked many miles.  During the walk I ended up with bad stress fractures in my feet and ankles and shins.  I lost the entire front bottom of my feet to blisters and a few toenails.  I ended up sitting in bed and couches for 4 weeks because of the pain.  I thought for sure I would never end up back on my feet or in the gym again.  But then one day I said I can't sit here anymore and got up and walked 3 miles.  It took me forever,...I mean like 2 hours but I did it and every day since I have done some physical activity.  I have been going to the gym at least 3 days a week and spinning for between 30 mins and an hour.  This last week I just started adding strength training in.  This is my weakness. I can do cardio all day...strength training is boring to me and since I don't feel I really know what I am doing exactly I feel awkward doing it.

On my birthday I went to the dr and weighed in more than I ever wanted to be again and so once again I am working on losing the pounds.  The dr suggested using Weight Watchers and I signed up that night online.  I have lost and I have gained.  I am still trying to figure out what the perfect format is, but I am working on it and trying to not get discouraged.  I have set a long term goal of losing over 100 pounds, truth be told it is 102 lbs from where I was at on my birthday.  But I have been encouraged by friends to set the short term goals too, so I am putting out here that by Christmas I would like to lose another pants size and be back in weight to where I was in May.

 I am hoping by putting this down here where there are people to hold me accountable and give me that encouragement at random times that I will hold onto my goals and obtain them.  I hope to be able to be able to blog about life struggles, family struggles, eating struggles and my gym struggles on here and have an open discussion with those that can offer great conversation about it.  With much love and encouragement to those that are in this same fight and struggle with me.

3 day walk for a cure

This Aug 17-19 I will be walking in Michigan's Susan G. Komen's 3 Day Walk for a Cure, I need to raise $2300 by Aug 16th. I thought I would put my donation information here and then come back and update when I have a bit more time. Feel free to share the images.

Mommy time....

I just got back from a weekend in Florida all by myself. It was great. I went to Busch Gardens where an amazing friend made me get onto a roller coaster that freaked the bijibbies out of me. Shiekra included a 200 foot and 130 foot 90 degree drop that left me without even a scream at the end. I saw some awesome animals and beautiful scenery. I found that little bit of myself that I haven't seen since I was 18 on had last ridden a roller coaster. That concur your fears moment. It was great. The little girl we were with also took to the roller coasters with the no fear attitude.

The rest of the weekend was spent being a tourist in Tampa and just spending some great time with good friends and their family and friends. By the way the movie Contraband was really good too.

On Sunday night and Monday I got to just hang with my favorite sister, Dani. We had dinner on the beach and took in the sunset. Was nice to just breathe and talk. The time went too fast and the gorgeous weather will be very much missed. I can't wait for summer to come this way again.

I had flown AirTran and was given the chance to check in early. When I got the chance to checkin there was only one seat left in the coach area that was in the exit row. It cost me an additional $20 to book it. The other seats in business that were available for an additional $49. It drove me a bit crazy that I had to pay for the only seats available, but I really didn't want to take the chance on having to be on stand by or missing the flight entirely. The choice ended up being good as the flight had been overbooked by more than 10 people. My flight to Grand Rapids from Baltimore ended up only having 20 people on it so I had 3 seats to myself to stretch out in. Grand Rapids was foggy to the point that the pilot couldn't see the runway. We made 3 approaches and finally landed safe and sound.

I really needed the time to relax and just be me not mom or wife. I am finding that it is so easy to loose myself and needs in the house. As soon as I stepped into the car I was already figuring out what needed to be done, and was awake until 3 am thinking through things that I knew needed to be done yet.

It was a great vacation and my mind and body thank the hubby for the short time that I had to recuperate.

Little time for me

There has been very little time for me the past month. I had planned on going out every morning with Charlotte to walk or run but it has just been too cold to take her out there or it has been raining. My treadmill and the bike have also been broken and I can tell in my mood and peace of mind and body that it has affected me. I really want to join a gym and get back onto the machines and see a difference in me.

It is confusing to me to want to move and exercise because I never had that need in high school or college. It wasn't until I started drinking coffee regularly and was given the chance to try and find me. Nearly 3 1/2 years ago I began this journey and it has been put on hold way too long.

The kids are all doing great and hitting all expectations put before them. It is great to see their personalities coming out of them and their talents grow. Each is amazing.

Happy Easter to all and don't forget the reason we celebrate it.

Back on the run...this time for me

I am back on the run, literally and this time it is for me. I am hoping to lose 100 lbs by December of this year. The first few months were difficult. I tried to run and my ankle, foot and heel just wouldn't do it. I sprained my ankle fairly bad in November and had done something to my foot last May. Neither time did I go to the dr so I have just been letting it heal on its own. But something clicked just over a week ago for me. I ran without the ankle brace for the first time, and not only did I run...I ran a 5k on the treadmill. I did it in just over 41 mins...for me a personal best then.

The next day I got onto the treadmill again and again ran without the brace...this time I completed the 5k in 38 mins. I amazingly had shaved off 3 mins just with one run...It has been a great feeling. On top of the running I am trying to use the elliptical at least once a day.

And to top it all off, I have now lost 7 lbs...only 93 more to go! My motivation is me myself and I. I know that I can't rely on the rest of the world to pat me on the back everytime I accomplish something, because my goals are not those of a superhuman. They are as basic as running one mile in 12 mins, running a whole mile in 10 mins and feeling like I want to go on with more, losing at least 1 lb a week, buttoning my pants without a muffin top.

I am also using myfitnesspal.com on the computer and on my phone to keep track of my calories. What I have found is that a lot of days I am so far below my calorie needs that I have been sabotaging myself by not eating enough, but then other days just totally binging on all the high calorie junk food I could find. I was putting myself last knowing fully well enough that at the end of the day I was only hurting myself by not taking care of myself first.

I am using dailymile.com to track my fitness for the week. When I ride the bike my goal is to get a min. of 25 miles in a day, running to get at least 30 mins in of however long I do, and the elliptical tends to fall into 15 min increments. The calories burned seemed to be higher than on a lot of other sites, but as a tool to keep track of what and where I did the workout it is awesome.

Stay tuned for more results in the future weeks.

Pictures from last year

Various pictures from the last year that didn't really fit into any other category or blog that I wrote.

My new year resolutions and finding Me.

My goals this year were to rid my life of all the extras that make me frustrated, stressed out and at times panic stricken. I started January 1st with a 1 mile run with Veronica in the first snow of the new year. I have maintained some exercise everyday since then. While the scale is seriously not budging my clothes are beginning to get looser in a lot of places. I am most happy of all that it is in the waist too. So I can check off working towards losing those pounds that leave me sad to look at myself somedays. Every day is a new start and every day I choose to make positive choices...well except that pizza I ate last night....

Next I am going through closets, cabinets and hidey holes and tossing, giving away, and really trying to decide why I felt I needed all that stuff anyways. I've managed to get through the kitchen, bathrooms and linen closets....still need to do the storage room and bedrooms...Good thing the year is 12 months long...I still have 10 months to attack the worst areas of the house.

Thirdly is the relationships in my life that just draw so much energy out of me. You know which ones those are...the ones that you put so much of yourself into them and in the end you get nothing out of them. This one is the most difficult out of all the areas. I am not good at telling people that they aren't good for me and need to take a hike. I worry about their feelings even as I begin to tell them that there is something wrong. I see the look in their eyes or a hitch in their breath as we talk on the phone. Once I see the look or hear the intake of breath I back away. Definitely need to work on this more.

My mantras throughout the day: Clutter free is the way I am meant to be...; The pain is only temporary...the exercise is a lifelong process; My time not theirs...I deserve this time; It is only 1 hour out of the day that I am stealing away from others; I need to put me first...they will always be asking for me.

Without those mantras I wouldn't get all the way through the first mile of the run, the second shelf of the closet, or many other places I find myself to be. Don't get me wrong.. I love my family and friends and they do deserve time with me or the time that I put into the relationships, but I also need to take time for me to be the best me I can be. All too often women place so much onto their plates then are unable to find a moment for breath. I want to be the grandma playing with her grandchildren, the lady travelling the world in retirement, and the soul feeling free and careless when I am 60 or 70. I wont have that if I don't do this for myself now.

Summer went by fast..but I have pictures to prove we had fun.

The summer went by so fast, but my trusty camera was with me a majority of the time. We have hundreds if not thousands of pictures of all the activities we did. Meijers Gardens proved to be an awesome place to get some pictures of the kids, but the beach also provided fun backgrounds. From the pool in the driveway, camping with Bridgeway Church at Pioneer Park in Muskegon, to making S'mores in our kitchen oven we kept busy and creative.
The kids are all in school now and picture opportunities are rare, but keep watch because more will be popping up again.

Fourth of July Weekend

This past weekend we went up north and spent time with my family. Mom and Dad finally moved up there mid April of this year. Dad retired July 2nd from Hersolf after more than 30 years of working for them. Yeah! I've attached some pictures from the past weekend. The first is of me and Charlotte. There is quite a huge color difference in us...can you guess who gets bathed in sunscreen every day?

The Next picture is after the fireworks. Nicholas fell asleep and slept through the whole thing on Mom's lap. Dad held Charlotte. She ooohed and ahhhed or maybe gooed and gurgled through the entire show. The last picture is Grandpa and Charlotte after the fireworks. She is a happy lil girl!

5 weeks already..

It has been 5 weeks already since Charlotte Rose entered our world and family. The kids love having her here and we have a few volunteers to pat her head, hold her or help feed her throughout the day. We've also had our share of 'mom do I have to???" moments from the boys about putting away what they are playing with to help hold her for a minute while mommy is doing something else.

She is growing well, and as of last night slept 10pm-530am. Was a great night for Mommy to sleep until about 2 am when there was no wake up noises and I freaked a little. Charlotte was sound asleep snuggled up and happy, but at 530 there was no putting off the milk...she wanted it now and has continued to snack her way through the morning.

On Monday we have her tests down at Spectrum starting at 930am. There are supposed to be at least an ultrasound and one other test done, but possibly 2 others depending on the outcome. We then see the specialist on February 9th.

Nicholas also sees the same specialist on February 2nd to see if he will need more surgery for his hypospadias. Right now everything seems to be ok other than a small hole that never quite healed...we are working on potty training right now and that should help with being able to tell if he will need more surgery or not too.

Patrick turns 8 years old on January 11th, It is hard to believe that it has been that long already, I really don't feel like 8 years have passed yet. He is planning a wii and pizza party for this coming sunday for his friends...His choice this year for a cake is an ice cream cake...still need to find where I can find one of those.

Sean is very into going over to his friends houses lately...makes me sad that it is happening already....in just a few short years I will see him hardly at all. I am truely missing that little boy that used to cuddle up and let me play imaginative games with him. He gave me a brief moment yesterday when we played Indiana Jones together....

Veronica is having issues with not being the "baby girl" lately. She has gotten herself stuck in some imaginative places lately...between the 12 and 18 month clothes that she squeezed herself into the other day and the baby swing we almost had to call the fire department to get her out of yesterday. I am thinking that we may just need for mommy to take Veronica out on a mommy and me date where she gets to do big girl things and be happy about being bigger.

Nicholas is working on expanding his vocabulary. Today he has been telling me very clearly what he wants...especially when it comes to the potty. Why is it that they learn No and I don't want that so early on??? Otherwise he is so into elmo that he sings elmo's world while playing throughout the day.

I will add some pictures in another post later today or this week....

Charlotte Rose and the family

Charlotte Rose was born on Friday December 4, 2009 at 4:15am at St. Mary's Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI . She came into the world at 20 inches long and 7 lbs 14 oz. She is a perfect and quiet baby. At 2 weeks she is sleeping for one 5 hr period at night and another 3 hr period right after a quick 15 minute feeding.

She does have a kidney issue, but we aren't sure of the extent of it yet. As of right now she is peeing enough for the drs not to worry that something is in need of being done right away. She is on a small dose of amoxicillian every day to keep kidney infections away.

The kids all love her and try to help. My biggest two helpers right now are Veronica and Nicholas. Both want to rub her head when she nurses or hold the bottle when she eats. I constantly have diapers right at hand and a nuk ready to be shoved in her mouth at the smallest of squeaks.

The kids can't wait for Santa to come. St. Nick brought Charlotte just in time for us all the enjoy her. The second picture is the kids cheesing it up for the camera. Notice all the teddy bears that came into the picture with them.

The kids thoughts for Christmas presents this year range from transformers and star wars to the typical books and video games. Only a few more days to see some major twinkling in their eyes.

The reindeer food has been put out on the counter and the cookies have been made and tested. More need to be made.

Mommy and Charlotte snuggling for a few minutes the day after being born. Please excuse the spit up that is on the shirt. That seems to be a perpetual thing these days.

The nuk in my hand has been deemed clown face. When put into baby's mouth she has a clown smile. If anyone knows where we can buy these let us know....if we ever lose this one clown face we are in for trouble. The soothie pacifiers just are not the same.

The next picture is of Daddy and Charlotte the day she was born. Somehow that little girl got him wrapped around her little finger before she even entered the world. He comes home and drops everything to scoop her up and get some snuggling in before the rest of the group can attack. More pictures will come as we move along in the upcoming weeks and months.

Thank you all who prayed for Charlotte's safe arrival and for her kidney issues. The last picture is of all the kids with Santa Claus....

Halloween and all things Fun

Pickle is here to say hi and tell you what has been going on lately. We are all just recovering from getting the swine flu. What an exciting week. EMT's , fevers of almost 106, breathing treatments, convulsions, and dehydration. Way too much fun for us, we have decided to not do that again anytime soon.

This week we have decided to clean the house, get ready for baby girl due in about 4 weeks, and play outside when the weather allows it to. Today I even squeezed a little christmas shopping in with Pickle before Veronica got home from school. The colors are changing on the trees and this week the leaves have even begun to fall.
Patrick has begun to read, is pretty good at numbers and has tied his shoes one time by himself. We are slowly getting to where we need to be. He was just accepted into the speech program at school. We are waiting for the results to start showing, it could really be towards the end of the school year that we see what we want to. Patrick is getting excited about holding another baby and getting to cuddle and love her. He is such a sweetheart and so tall. He is already up past my armpits in height.
Sean is busy being busy. He is constantly on the move and never slows down. I swear he walks in his sleep too. He has begun to start reading and doing simple math. He has also really connected with some of his classmates and is excited to play with them when he can. His favorite activity right now is legos. He has quite the imagination.

As for the baby I really think he could care less at this point. He has a difficult time already just dealing with Pickle and Veronica haha.
veronica is in school 5 days a week every morning. She loves it so much that she is the first one up at about 630 in the morning. She has a little attitude but it really shows that she is a strong willed little girl. She is getting really good at drawing things and has started writing her letters and saying their sounds. :) What a big girl.

Well need to head off if I am going to be up with this little girl in the morning. Love to all!

summer drawing to an end...

Summer is fast approaching the end, and I really have to say that after nearly 3 months of "summer break" the kids really do need to go back to school. The boys are "bored" a majority of the time or just don't want to see each other anymore. I am keeping them busy watering the lawn for Tom, watering the vergetables, picking vegetables, picking fruits, cleaning and freezing them. I am going to have to find another chest freezer or start canning before I have this baby.

We've found time for fun things this summer. The kids and I went to Wisconsin for a few weeks in June and helped out at Mom and Dad's. We've gone to the beach a few times, done scavenger hunts, caught tadpoles, chased baby fish, gone for bike rides, and just enjoyed playing together.

Updates on everyone:
Tom: Working a lot of hours, but being somewhat of an expert in his field, that is to be expected. He also is in the midst of changing his hours for work to an earlier time so that I can get to work without needing a babysitter for the kids. His favorite hobby lately is playing boomarang with the boys...I am pretty sure that Patrick has taken to showing him up.

Nikki: Working as Store Detective nights a weekends. I get to play spy and catch shoplifters for the store. I am really liking the work and the hours. It has been nice to get out even for a few hours and meet up with adults and use my mind to learn new things. Baby is doing well. We were hoping to find out the sex of him/her on July 20th, but baby was stubborn and wouldn't move their foot. We are hoping to schedule another U/s to check renal function and the spine one more time in a few weeks, so we may find out yet before baby come in November/December.

Patrick: He's growing tall, already up to my armpit and I am sure by December will be to my shoulders. He had a big accomplishment last night, he tied his shoe for the first time by himself. This is a huge accomplishment as he doesn't have the fine motor skills that most children his age do, due to the Autism. I haven't had him on his concerta all summer as it gives him headaches, so I just deal with the outbursts and daily outcomes as they come. We've also been working on the reading and writing, two skills he is really lacking. his favorite activity has been playing the wii and playstation. I really wish they made games that would work towards the reading and math on there, but haven't found any yet.

Sean: He has been a socialite this summer, making friends and having friends over nearly every day. He also has gotten to be quite the artist with Legos. We've had so many creations over the summer and a lot of imaginative play with them. He got a big boy bike for his birthday so his little bike has become a trick bike that has gone down slides, off ramps and down hills and stairs. he is all boy for sure.

Veronica: a princess comes to mind when I think of her. She even has told me that the new baby cant be a princess if it is a girl since she is the princess in the house. She has gotten really good at riding her bike, doing flips on the monkey swing out back, talking and is learning her letters, numbers and counting. She is all about babydolls, doll houses, and being a little mommy. Too bad that she hasn't yet figured out how to keep her room clean.

Nicholas: aka pickle.. is finally growing. He is into 18-24 month clothes, talking and just jibber jabbering, His favorite activity other than snuggling with mommy is playing outside in the water. anything to do with the sprinkler or hose and he is right there. He loves to play with his siblings but hates when they play with any of his toys. His largest use word is NO lately so we are working on YES...

well that is all for now...need to go freeze some more beans and do another load of laundry.